Today, was my first day back to work while refusing to look at Facebook. The first problem I had to address was telling the boss that I could no longer be a person responsible for managing our school Facebook page. Ha! How can you manage something that you are not suppose to look at? In the argument with my husband, I tried to use this for my benefit. I told him, “Do you realize you are only hurting the children? Are you okay with that?” He did not seem to mind too much. The thing that irks me about this whole experiment is that I can only assume he is getting on it every day which kind of makes me mad. I know he claims he is not the one with the problem, but while I am refraining, he could be over indulging…who knows! The other thing that sits uneasy with me is I am a noticeable Facebook user…I comment, like, post on walls etc. Many people look on it as much as I do or more, but just lurk. They do not want to be seen, so they just view it without attracting attention; I don’t care who knows I am on it…until now.
Anyway, back to today. It was sort of lonely and lost today. I felt like I had lost friends or moved. My husband and I are not exactly on good terms, so I felt kind of like I was in hiding. The times throughout the day that I did run into adults I threw my whole self into the conversation…it felt so good to talk to people and laugh and hear stories. Since this is my first day with the real world, I felt like I had to tell everybody so they knew I did not abandon them. I also caught myself throughout the day wondering about different events and have they posted the outcome on Facebook. I caught myself feeling distant from reality. I also found myself lost. When I would have normally flipped through the app like at recess, the store line, or when I got home and the house was napping, I found that I just sat there. I checked Instagram (not much new), the US weekly app and WFAA news and then I was back to the stillness. It did strike me how much I turn to Facebook to just fill up time. I just check it to see what is new or the comments added etc. I really spent time praying and evaluating why I feel the personal FB interaction as strong as I do despite the relationships being completely over the Internet. Weird how I have become dependent on it in a number of ways.
Finally, I feel out of the loop, but also out of the drama. Not much irritated me today, or made me question or made me skeptical. Some posts just get under my skin or people that like to stir up mystery and I experienced none of that today. That part felt good. I also felt like I got more done. At times that I would have just rested and scrolled for a connection, I kept myself busy with dishes, clothes, groceries etc. I worked too much today! I think adjusting to this new normal will be hardest today and this weekend when I am really guilty of just browsing. I feel missed and I feel like I have been kidnapped from my social community. I want to tell them what is happening, but that would mean I start over. I also will not budge even if Nathan says that I can get back on it. This is my opportunity to explore this and I won’t give up.
The Good news is: It is allowing God to speak to me in a new way. I am learning about myself and my insecurities and where I get my approval from. This might prove to be interesting.