I love my spouse, but how we each show and receive love is very different. I am a quality time girl. Love to me is snuggles on the couch, date nights, sleeping in late, vacations to the beach. In short: time!
My husband is very different. He is Acts of Service. Love to him is work. He likes a clean house, a chore that needs to be done, working on a project together to get it done faster. Productivity and progress makes his day! So clearly we are different, so how do we make it work?
Step 1 is recognizing how the other receives love and doing it graciously. This is hard for me since I like to be comfortable and lazy. Step 2 is accepting just because we are giving, does not mean the other is receiving. I am on Cloud 9 on a date night, but he might be feeling nothing so I have to remember though my love tank is full…he still has room to be filled which means I have to be intentional about showing love even after a great night.
It is hard when two languages are so different but worth it when the marriage is working and growing. The question I have to keep asking is “Am I giving as much as I am receiving?” If I can honestly answer no then time to get to work!
Where has this show been and why am I just finding out about MAFS? I found it on Netflix with Season 9 and basically binge watched it…should have been doing laundry, dishes, dusting, tutoring…but there I was watching strangers try to make a marriage work.
I was glued.
To be honest, it made me appreciate my marriage and how far it has come since our early years. Our fights. Our arguments. Our venomous words or selfish actions. Watching these couples make mistakes reminded me of our journey and I felt proud that 15 years later, we are still here.
But watching these couples also made me think back to my list of what I wanted in a man and what were my dealbreakers. A big one for me is “I will not marry a man that pushes the snooze button.”
Do you have any picky deal breakers in finding your spouse?
My husband and I are like a professional-make-it-look-perfect couple. We have mastered the art of pictures. We often look happy with our smiles. We serve and greet at church. We host a church group in our home. We make it look good. But like everyone else we struggle behind closed doors. We argue a lot. We hold bitterness and discontent inside. Silent treatment is a thing. We get jealous and resentful. We blame each other and shut down.
We are normal, but always striving to be better. So do not look on Facebook or Instragram to really know the status of our relationship. Even going out with us will not say it all though you can probably learn more in our body language. We are the masters of disguise and we take it day by day doing what needs to be done to keep the family going.
If you can relate, then know you are not alone. If you read this and think this sounds absurd, then you might be a newlywed or need to share your secret.
Sadly, I have noticed I am switching my time to other things that do not involve Facebook, but are also not any better. For instance, I posted my first tweet today. Why? I don’t know-I just wanted to express a thought and it was there…it was favorited by the way, but that should not matter. Weirdly, another reason is it is another opportunity to be known..even if it is for your one liners or short thoughts…it is like you are heard. The reality is who cares what I think or do…Twitter seems so much better for famous people. Anyway, in all of this the hubs and I got into an argument as he pointed out that it is not about what I am using the phone for it is about the phone is keeping me from spending time with him and the family.
That was a shocker. I took this whole thing to be about use your time more wisely. Get up and clean something, read a book, cook a dish, fix an appliance…never thought it was “hang out with me more”. Seems to me I am on my phone the most when he is not here, so why does he care except he comes home to a dirty house…but tonight he confessed that it was more about it is a distraction from him and our son and he wants it to be more about spending more time together. Blew my mind…all this time I thought it was more about him disliking a bad habit and wanting to get rid of it because it would make me better. It changes everything that it is more about spending more time with him. I am a quality time Love Language girl so more time with my husband is always a good thing…I just always thought that his idea of more time meant I was being put to work because I was in trouble. It never occurred to me that my midday nap was being selfish. I also never thought it was a bad thing for him to do his thing and me to do mine as long as we come back at night and snuggle. Never knew that he felt disconnect in all that while I was feeling our marriage is great that we are building up each other’s personal interests. I see it now…did not see it then. I always thought we spend a lot of time together anyway. Not sure how this will all work out, but I have 26 more days to figure it out.
The good news is: Keep praying for healing in the marriage. FB might have been the catalyst for the disagreement, but it addresses several issues that need to be addressed. Praying to use these days to really search my soul and connect with God’s will for my life and how I can use my gifts to serve Him better and serve my marriage better.