Hard to believe, but thirty days went by rather quickly. As much as I hated the task of staying off Facebook, it actually helped me to focus, pray and hear from God what He was trying to teach me, but I am too busy to stop and listen. Last night, I was actually kind of scared to get back on it. I have grown accustomed to staying out of the drama, the gossip and the envying that naturally occurs from seeing the best of best from everyone’s lives. I did miss the major news announcements, birthdays and important life events and my friend’s opinions of them; it really is true that people post it on Facebook and assume that you know. I also learned that people are on it way more than they say even if they are not liking or commenting. Overall, I have to say it brought peace and perspective to my overly busy world and I learned that getting on the site is my choice and can be controlled. I find myself checking my phone less and minding my own business more. Crazy thing…the Facebook world went on without me and my lack of presence did not change lives as much as I thought it would. The world still rotated and life resumed as normal-so I can let go of the fact that my comments are needed and just use it for staying in touch like it is meant to be.
The good news: The first week was really hard, so hard that I had to admit I was addicted to the site. I thought about it all day and was very angry that I had to give it up. After the first week though, my new normal set in and the second week was easier. By the third and fourth week, I forgot all about it and it was actually a little disappointing that I could get back on. I know I needed to…like being let out of rehab…you have to face the world sometime, but it felt safer without it. I could easily choose to never use it again, but our lives are intertwined with it and most of my friends are on it so I do not want to miss out that….overall, though I learned that it is important to set limits and not idle myself with it. In short, I learned I can live without it and that was a good thing.
Did I really just say that today I am thankful for this fast? Yes, today I am. Today was the funeral and burial of the baby girl lost suddenly in my post a few days ago. I have been consumed with this tragic story of loss as of late. In fact, it is rocked my faith a little bit. How could God allow this couple to suffer such immense pain? How could suffering like this even exist? To be honest, I am a little mad at God and a little afraid that if they could feel this hurt after struggling to conceive could I? A little afraid to love right now in fear of that love being taken away from me. My heart hurts to know that such a pain exists to a couple that is so similar to my husband and I. I hear of these tragic stories all the time, but it is someone else that I am not connected to at all. This one seems so real and so close to home. It makes me sick.
A friend at lunch was telling me about all the posts and slideshows and videos that were created today in her honor. She was telling me her Facebook feed was pretty sad and it caused her to look at pics and explore all the connections of the people that loved the little girl and her family. In that moment, I was happy to not be on Facebook. I am already in enough pain that it would have consumed me. I asked her to send me the link to one of the videos since I could not log into FB and I watched it in Callen’s nursery and just cried. Cried for every wedding pic, pregnancy pic, newborn pic and every recent pic of their Christmas together. I cried reading her obituary and I cried thinking her mother woke up like every other day and got her ready for school not knowing it would be their last morning together. Her parents did not know this was their last Christmas and last family pic of three. I hurt because death has no predicted date, but it is inevitable and losing a child would be horrific. I know God’s promises are true and I know she is in a better place, but this pains me deeply. I bought a book by Max Lucado to try to deal with this grief…so strange to feel such pain for strangers, but their story has also inspired me. Their story has made me appreciate the time to put down the phone and be in the moment. I have hugged my son more and spent more time that is quality. I have worked harder to appreciate and value each hour knowing we are not guaranteed the next. Please keep the Turner family in your prayers as they face each new day differently. Pray also for the days ahead. I apologize that this post is a random jumble of just pain and sadness, but the lack of having Facebook to distract me has me in these thoughts and having to really explore them which I guess is something for which to be thankful.
Good news is the person that created this mandatory fast and I are on speaking terms again. This is a huge milestone as the fast is still on, but at least I have someone else to talk to when I get home besides this toddler seen above. He got a haircut today and looks so cute, but I cannot connect to Facebook to share so that the Lord for Instagram!! In pic one above, he is saying “cheese”, pic two he is saying, “um, let’s see” then puts his finger on his chin…adorable!! and pic three he is attempting to read. This would be SO Facebook worthy, but no can do…so this blog and Instagram will have to do!
Day three was easier like I predicted, but I have three new aha moments. 1. I found myself feeling left out because a friend is going a gender reveal (not a close friend to send me a special text, but a good enough friend that I care what she is having). It reminded me that so many people post it to Facebook and figure they told all their friends…so you know. I remember that is why I got on the site four years ago after refusing to for a couple of years…a friend was moving to Australia and another one was getting married and I had no idea. Joined FB that day. 2. My husband says he does not get on it except to wish people Happy Birthday…which is so true! I have no ideas whose birthday it is because FB reminds me. 3. I find myself messaging, texting and Instagraming way more than usual due to needing to fulfill those contacts. I question if I am replacing one addiction with another…but still find myself on it way less and the relationships are more personal since it is one on one versus one with the world since all can see the comments. Overall, pleased with the progress and do find myself more in the moment, but still way busier than I want to be getting things done.
The good news is: Texas weather is 75 today…a perfect day to sit on a patio, browse the apps on my phone and just chill. Not so for me, but I raced outside with my son since my phone was useless and that was much better. Dreading the weekend a little bit and always curious if I have posts and tagged comments waiting to be seen…think I dread more what if I don’t? What if my month of being disconnected turns into “Oh, I had no idea you were not on it?” It would prove my husband wrong that I am not an addict like he claims and always on it, but it would mean no one missed me which would make me feel foolish since I feel kidnapped. We shall see in 27 days!
Big praise today that the doctor visit was a positive one for a friend and I did not find out from a post, but rather a text!! A personal text! I did wonder what she posted though and how everyone responded…hmmm…I do think about social media too much!