Category Archives: Catastrophe

Jul30

When God Doesn’t Make Sense…

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My heart is heavy this week because I have had dear friends and even some strangers attacked by tragedy. Unexpected death of a parent, contracting an illness while doing God’s work, stillborn baby, failed cycles, adultery in a Christian marriage, birth defects in the womb….pain after pain after pain. Some of these tragedies I cannot directly relate to (Praise God or maybe just not yet), but they all fall under the big umbrella of “Why God?” Being confused with God is something I can relate to very well. When I speak with people directly going through the storm, I can look back and reflect that I have been there…that lonely, angry, and confusing place. Even as a Christian, hearing the words “This is all part of God’s plan” stings. It burns in fact. How could God want my child to die? How could God be okay with the death of my father? How could God see a baby suffer?

The truth is He doesn’t. I think people often confuse this. He is just as angry as we are that we live in a fallen world. God is grieving the utopia He intended it to be with us. God grieves with us and that is the first truth I share with people hurting: Let God cry with you. He understands every pain we feel-especially betrayal. He can hold every tear, so let Him-let it out because it is needed.

The next truth I share is “It is okay to get mad.” As Christians, we feel guilty if we are angry about our circumstance. I mean who promised us a pain free life anyway? After all, God knows best and this is part of God’s plan so we must accept it. But, I don’t know about all that. I think God is angry too about the injustices of this world and I think He is powerful enough that He can take our rants. Hiding them from Him won’t work–just be careful that you do not forget you are talking to God. And remember as angry as you are-He still loves you. I stood in my hallway and wailed at God. I screamed, cried, hit, and complained. I let it be known that I have had enough and I was over all this—He listened. Later, he comforted and then put people in my path that could pick me up. I tell people that what you are feeling is real and meaningful and it is okay to be mad that bad things happen because it is hard.

I share with others to take the time you need to grieve. I took a day off and just was still. I allowed myself to be numb and separate from my surroundings. I needed to embrace the pain. Take a vacation, take a day or an afternoon, but grieving is not a bad thing and being still can actually give you the best chance possible to hear God’s voice and feel God’s presence. In that stillness He will say “I love you” and will give you the wisdom you need to move forward, but often we get so busy trying to fix it that we fail to let God take control. Let him.

Finally, tragedies like these and many others that I have not named or experienced are the best reminder that we are not home. This Earth and all its beauty is not the end. Sadness, sorrow, grief, tragedy, death, sickness etc. should make us more homesick than ever. It should make us eager to be home in Heaven. I saw a poster recently asking if you could speak to anyone from the past, while here on this Earth, who would it be? My first thought was my grandparents, but then I rethought it. Why would I take them away from Heaven to be here? How selfish to pull them from paradise! This place may feel pretty great, but they get to experience perfection every day…so keep them there-they are home.

My heart hurts for you if you are suffering during this season of your life. I pray that you will be reminded it is a season and seasons change. Sorrow will endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Even if you (like me) suffered in part from your own sin, knows God’s goodness is even bigger than your shortcomings and God’s grace is larger than we can ever fathom or deserve. Although, God does not place horrible things in our lives…He does bring good from them. Somehow or someway…maybe not immediately, but good will come from it eventually. It might be a connection from a blog like this, an opportunity to encourage or comfort someone in pain, a foundation or organization to help others that was birthed in the pain of loss, an adoption of a child that would not have come any other way, a birth of twins after many failed cycles…the list goes on. But God’s promises are true and He is good even when He does not make sense.

The good news is: I can say with certainty that the trials that have been placed in my life have given me wisdom and built my character. Through faithfulness, God has redeemed every mistake or sin I made and brought beauty from ashes. I am also thankful that I have been spared from a lot of hurt that I probably deserved. Just remember that-we all hurt at some point and no one (not even Christians) are exempt from pain. During these times of deep sadness, I can also declare great victories. I can rejoice and celebrate with new births, new families, healing, reconciliation, promotions etc. Often times the hard times bring an appreciation of the good times and victories come from defeat.

Jun12

Infertile, Adoptive Mom

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I attended the Mother’s Day service with my parents at their church.  I say their church even though it was the church home I grew up in.  I knew the best gift that I could give my mother was to worship with her and the whole family so I surprised her and she loved it.

The preacher did a great job of acknowledging all aspects of Mother’s Day and pointed out that for many this was a challenging day.  He proceeded to read a long list of Mother’s Day feelings including “For those that lost their mother…we mourn with you.”  “For those that are expecting a baby…we celebrate with you.”  But the two that hit home for me were:

“For those that are infertile….we wait and pray with you.”

“For those adoptive moms…we thank you and need you.”

I fit in a few other groups in his list, but these two struck me.  I am an infertile and adoptive mom.  How can I be an infertile mom?  Well, I am.  I adopted a sweet baby boy, but that does not take away the infertility.  The sting still hurts.  Do I dwell on it?  No way!  Life is too short and it is what it is, but adoption and all the joys of motherhood do not erase that my body is broken.  It does not erase the memories of waiting, counting, testing, crying, asking, documenting etc.  I get infertility.  I get trying medications that made me crazy.  I get asking doctors to do more testing while trying to stay calm.  I get the two week wait where I put my life on hold.  I also get giving up and just living.  I get researching reproductive endocronologists and learning how to spell that.  I get vials and vials of blood work.  I get looking at an empty womb on a sonogram.  I get asking my husband to endure more invasive tests only to learn he is 100% healthy.  I get crying at night and all during the day.  I get the dreaded phone call reporting the disappointing lab results and the private meeting saying “there is nothing else we can do”.  I get taking off work because you can’t fake it anymore and you don’t want to try.  I get praying and reading scripture for meaning and then hearing a song that leads you straight to adoption.  I get infertility in an all too real way.

Thankfully, I also get adopting.  I get filling out a inquiry sheet and then going in for an interview.  I get the mounds of paperwork including criminal background checks, references, medical checkups, home studies, floor plans and safety plans of our home, submitting financial documents and pay check stubs and tax returns proving financial stability, the infamous adoption book that I labored for two months over.  I get meeting home study groups and discussing with other adoptive parents.  I get waiting and waiting and waiting. I get taking a phone call that would change our lives three weeks before the bably was born then preparing for a boy with only 20 days left.  I get meeting a birthmother and then hoping she likes me and hoping she does not change her mind unless it is God’s will then I pray for her to parent wisely.  I get going to the hospital for her planned Caesaren and then getting to know her for four days while we shared parenting responsibilities.  I get not knowing who should get up when he cried or needed to be changed and then I get not having the words when it was time to leave the hospital.  Watching her wince from her scars, seeing tears in her eyes and yet knowing we were driving four hours in the opposite direction.  I get her anticipation every time I post a new pic or give a new update.  I hold so much of her heart in my arms at night.  I get all that, too.

 

At the end of the day I am blessed to be a mom no matter how it all happened.  I am blessed to have empathy for the infertile in such a way that I can respond when asked what to say. So many don’t have the words or scriptures and I do. I can also respond when people ask about adoption and how it works, where do they start and what to expect. I can also relate to bottle feeding, putting a baby to bed, feeding solids, bathtime and everything baby because I have been there, too.

The good news is: I am blessed with the experiences that I have had and as we celebrate the one year anniversary of Callen’s adoption day…I am thankful for them all. I am especially grateful for a family that has accepted adoption and God’s plan for our lives with no hesitation and that his birthparents love us unconditionally and love to watch him grow. I am thankful for a husband that does not think twice about genetics when preparing to pass our full inheritance on to him. He is our son and he will get everything we work for and more. Our goal is to support him so that he can have it all. I am proud to be an infertile, adoptive mom because I am proud to be Callen’s mom.

Apr24

Resolve to know that infertility can be a blessing…

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Is infertility a good thing?….Heck no, it sucks!  I despised waiting month after month to see if I was pregnant….hoping for two weeks then crying for the next two only to start the cycle again.  It got to the point where discovering my cycle had started became a sweet relief because at least I could stop hoping and resume normal living.  The worst feeling in the world is to be so out of control of something that is so normal and easy for others.  I had plans, a calendar, a kit, a timeline and month after month I had to rearrange and restart the future.  Sitting in a doctor office with a title I can’t even spell, so I willl abbreviate RE, was embarrassing.  You felt sympathy for every couple in there knowing you all shared a horrific common bond: you can’t get pregnant on your own.  It was a miserable time in my life so I am not saying I enjoyed it, but looking back being infertile is one of the things I consider a blessing…

Why is it a blessing?  Glad you asked:

#1 It is the exact reason I began to blog.  Before Lupus and infertility, I did not have much of a story to tell.  Nothing about me set me a part or made my story important.  Enter disease and a non working reproductive system and now I am interesting!  I never knew there was such a large world of writers that had experienced or were experiencing the same heartache and same struggle that I was going through.  I began to lean on their stories and cling to their comments.  Their likes inspired me to write more and my anonomity helped me to be real and open and it felt good.  Infertility gave me the chance to be a writer again and reconnect to a passion that I had lost.

#2 Infertility gave me empathy.  I was like most women clinging to birth control until the exact month I wanted to get pregnant then getting off it and expecting to see positive lines.  Month after month after month then year after year it all showed blank.  I now empathize with couples that it is not easy.  I feel for couples like us that just don’t decide one day we want one more or to go for a girl this time.  I don’t assume anything anymore and I learned to celebrate big with those that are successful and cry genuine tears for those that are not.  I understand women that struggle with conceiving children in a very unique way.

#3 Infertility brought me closer to God.  I learned patience, I learned timing, I learned I was never in control and the delicate system of our bodies is too much even for science to explain it all.  I clung to his promises and faithfully believed that I was not alone and my prayers were being heard even if the answer was not the same thing as mine.

#4 Finally, it led me to adoption.  I never considered adoption my last resort…I just never paid attention to it before.  When the door was finally closed to conceiving naturally then I opened my heart to another option.  An option that I did not consider because I did not think it was my calling.  Time after time, God dropped hints and signs, but I am so stubborn in my own plans that I kept telling him, “Shhhh…”  Finally, I stopped praying to get pregnant and began praying to create our family.  The timing was perfect for God to lead us to our son.  The boy I was meant to parent all along  and the reason I was born.  Our son is amazing and a promise fulfilled in every picture we take that I am living the dream. The affirmation of every decision I ever made that led us to him…our child…the perfect one for us.  Infertility made me listen to that calling and to stop trying to figure it out.  It shut the doors that I kept open with my foot because I wanted to do what I wanted to do. 

If I had another life to live…I would do it again if it led me to the adoption of our son.  Infertility did not destroy me.

Now this post does not mean that I will congratulate barren women everywhere or speak on behalf of increasing infertility for all the joys it will bring.  Never.  But, I hope to encourage women that infertility can be an opportunity to turn something tragic into a triumph.  Don’t let infertility define you and when you get the chance, be a rock for others to empower us to continue looking for healing.  Infertility takes a lot, but it does not take everything.

•http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
•http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About

Sep28

Lupus Found Me…

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You may be saying “Dang girl, what’s up with all the posts?” The answer is simple, I have no idea when I will post again (took me two months to log in) so while baby is sleeping and I feel good then I am posting all my pent up thoughts so I don’t feel bad when I go back to not posting.

The pic above of the family is our first day of school pic! My husband had his first day of class and so did I …baby boy went to his baby school aka…grandma’s! Love that this was our first day of school as a parent!!!

You read by the title Lupus found me. I was flare free and feeling good all summer and that was with the hot sun! Yes, running around the park and playing soccer outdoors was not smart…I got a huge rash to prove it wasn’t my best idea, but I could do it. I swam almost every other day with baby boy…we did swim lessons and lots of visits to the park. Yes, we were the crazy parents that took like a hundred pics each day of the swim lesson. I held him one day so dad could take pics then we switched. Even with all that sun, I managed to be stress free and well rested to avoid any flares.

Then school started.

From the first week of staff development the flares began to build. I could feel the chills, the fevers came back, the rashes were on my face, arms and neck and that was just the beginning. By the first day of school, I could not move in the morning. Every joint was throbbing in pain. To turn over and turn off the clock was a battle. Getting out of bed was work. The first thing I did in the morning was take an anti-inflammatory pill. By midday, I felt better but by the end of the day I was exhausted. I began to take 5 hour energy for the first time. I could not last all day. I lost my voice, I began to get the whole sexy raspy thing that is only cool for a day. Going to bed at nine was a gift, but that meant SO much did not get done around the house or in the classroom. I was literally making it day by day. For the first time I felt like this is the invisible disease. From the outside I look fine, but inside I am hurting and just getting to work was a huge accomplishment. I googled Lupus flare more than I ever did before and I actually related to a video that described Lupus as the disease where “you don’t look sick” I understood the spoon theory that every choice I made meant I had a little less to give later. What made it all worse, is that I committed to do a half marathon in my summer I feel great days and running was no longer an option. I felt bad for not training, but I had nothing to give.

Thank God I began to do a daily devotional because I needed the prayers and affirmations. To be honest, I have been in a flare from the middle of August until now when I got back on Prednisone. I weaned myself off it, but now I am back to 5 mg a day. Not much for most, but I know have to wean myself back off it later. For now, I feel better than I have felt in over a month. I can be up at this hour typing and not wanting to sleep forever. I can pick my son up in the morning instead of grimmacing and praying I don’t drop him. I can turn in the middle of the night without waking myself up in pain. I can open bottles and bend my fingers. I can walk. I can bend my knee. Lupus affects my skeletal system the most and it hit hard for the last month. I got depressed again, I was afraid I would not be able to do my job, I thought that my life would be lived in pain forever. I questioned going on disability…it was bad. I did not want to take the meds, but finally realized I have to and I have to keep taking them until we figure out a different plan.

It finally clicked to take the Prednisone and keep taking it everyday. I first thought that once I felt better then I could stop, but my body was addicted again and stopping meant hurting. I feel so much better that I forgot what it felt like to feel normal. Again, I know now that this is the real me and not what I had become. My husband put it nicely “so I won’t have to live with that other girl…this is you again?” This is me.

I go back to the doctor in October to learn what to do. This may be my new norm with a kid and job. I have to be active all day and then come home and be active all evening for my baby. Remember this is my first year to do this so I am learning to do both, but I am also learning what it feels like when something is wrong and doing something about it.

The worst part is I did NOT lose weight dramatically which I liked until I got too skinny and looked like death when I was diagnosed. My belly is growing and it makes me mad because that is the only good thing about Lupus which is unexplained weight loss. If I am going to flare up at least give me that one symptom!

The good news is: I am able to type this post which I have not wanted or been able to do in a while.

May12

To women everywhere on Mother’s Day

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</p><p>To all women everywhere…I feel you today.  I feel the young girl that laughs at the motherly responsibility and thinks “no way I love my sleep”, I feel the new bride that just wants to be selfish with alone time with her husband,  I feel the five year wife that wonders when her husband will commit to trying for children.  I feel the barren woman that feels guilty that she can’t create a child for her husband because he is not to blame for us not conceiving, I feel the lonely woman that feels broken and rejected and constantly questions should she keep trying or move on,  I feel the woman praying for her husband to consider adoption since she wants to parent a child and believes God has a bigger plan than conception, I feel the woman overwhelmed with paperwork because there are so many details to making an adoption complete.  I feel the hopeful mom praying her book was enough to be chosen and feels unworthy everytime a day passes with no phone call, I feel the woman frantically nervous if she will be able to connect to a baby that she has never met and will it be “her” child…finally, I feel the woman that meets the first mother of her son and together they create a plan of how we are going to give this child the best.</p><p>There are a lot of women that I cannot relate to with the positive pregnancy test, the first ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, going into labor etc…but there are quite a few women that I feel exactly where you are at.  I have been there, too.</p><p>

A year ago, I was so hurt and bitter because it was my third year of infertility and I still wasn’t a mother. At the time, we were at the early stages of adoption, but still so far. I remember thinking everyone feels sorry for me because I don’t have a baby, but I am old enough to be a mom. I want women everywhere to know that you are not alone and this is a season. No matter where you are in your stage of life, you are loved and we are connected in that someone out there has been there, too.

The good news is: Love never fails. If you are not celebrating Mother’s Day today then know that you will if you want to. Anything is possible. I have no regrets about letting go of conception even though it is hard to imagine not carrying a baby or seeing my inherited traits in a child. However, I know that our adoption was never plan B…it was the Plan A that I could not see until I gave up what I thought was best for me and learned to trust God.

Feels so good to celebrate this first Mother’s Day…you never get another first Mother’s Day 😉

May10

A Birthmother’s love…

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So, tomorrow is Birthmother’s Day…a day set aside to honor the women that gave life through the miracle of adoption.   

Callen’s first mother is amazing and generous and loving.  She allowed me to be in the nursery with him first, gave me full access to the hospital and allowed me to feel him growing in her belly.  She kept me updated on every detail leading up to the birth and then gave me a bag of goodies that she had been keeping for him to have when he gets older.  I know I am blessed because many moms do not get those treasures, but Callen has a box of them . His birthmom taught me how to burp a baby and swaddle a blanket. She encouraged me when I fed him for the first time and rocked him to sleep…how difficult it must have been to help me be his mom and yet she did it.

Our greatest gift is her choice to be open.  We love that she keeps in touch and considers us family. 

  I did not hear Callen’s first cry or his heart in my stomach; she did.  She felt his first powerful kicks and knew of his tendency to party late at night and yet she still loved him enough to make a plan for us to raise him.  At times, we felt overwhelmed by our commitment to raise this child and not think twice about the lack of biology…but more than that, we are overwhelmed that she chose us to love on him every minute of every day for the rest of our lives.  What love and sacrifice!  She is the best gift in that “she made this couple a family and turned nine months into a lifetime” Today, I honor the woman that ended years of sadness with the best gift of life.  I honor the woman that followed God’s calling in the midst of her sadness so that we could find each other.  I honor the woman that felt all those amazing first things and still wanted more for him.  Amazing love!

 

The Good news is: I thank God for adoption and for the birth of our son.  I thank God for his birth mom and her amazing gift. I thank God that He led us to our baby and continues to lead us every step of the way including financial contentment. I am thankful that He gave us peace about letting go of conceiving so we could focus on the blessing of adoption. I am thankful that we are in this together.

Mar17

Help me to accept the things I cannot change…

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ImageSo my Spring Break is winding down and I am having to accept that I will be returning to work tomorrow.  I have had a great week of playing, loving, taking pictures and exploring with not just my baby, but my husband as well.  Being married to an officer is never easy, but he is off during the week, so when I am off too then it makes it fun.  I learned there are 58 more days before summer vacation so I have a lot to look forward to.  I hate that he is getting older, but as he gets older, there are new journeys to explore so I am excited.

Now, this post might be more of a pity party, but I feel like I do pretty well by focusing on the positive, so it is good to reveal both sides.  I am after all a real person with real feelings and it is good to explore them both.  I have had to really dwell on this prayer lately “Help me to accept the things that I cannot change…” 

In the process of this infertility journey, I learned I have an autoimmune disease called Lupus.  For many, it takes years to be diagnosed of the illness.  It would have probably taken me many years if it wasn’t for trying to get pregnant.  My gynocologist put me on Clomid, even though I was having regular cycles, since that is what many doctors do after a year of trying.  I guess they call it step one in infertility problems.  For me, it tore my body up.  It awoke a beast that had been laying dormant and dropped my blood levels to depths so low that the diagnosis was inevitable.  In all this, I went to a endocronologist (I spelled that wrong, but it is an infertility doctor) and he confirmed what the blood work already showed…Lupus has tricked up my body into believing it is menopausal.  The doctor could not explain it.  My hormone levels were low, but my eggs were full.  The blood levels were bad, but the eggs were healthy.  Many would stubbornly push forward and try to get pregnant, but my brave doctor told me the truth.  We have done this experiment and it failed.  The hormones that you would need to successfully carry this pregnancy have already been taken and “it would mess you up”.  You can go back to my earlier posts to read the whole story, but that is it in a nutshell.  Many women with Lupus have healthy pregnancies and kids, but this girl and her disease was not having it.  That is the strange thing about Lupus…it shows itself differently in each case.  It was a blessing to not get pregnant as it would have been a nightmare for me…if 50 mg of Clomid did that much damage then imagine the rest of the pregnancy.  Being infertile I cannot change.

I cannot change my bad dental history.  I felt like my teeth were perfect..I got braces at a young age, but I love my smile.  It might be the best thing about me.  I have a nice smile…my parents paid a lot of money for it, but it is nice.  Again, Lupus, has created several problems with my teeth including cavities all the time.  I blame Lupus because autoimmune diseases are known for drying out your mouth and building bacteria.  Since I have been diagnosed, I have had six cavities in a matter of six months.  I can’t catch a break.  I brush often, floss often and even use an electric toothbrush and yet they found another cavity that might require a root canal.  (to be fair, I have a large gap in my teeth where food can get stuck so it might not be the Lupus, but we’ll blame it anyway).  I have already spent hundreds of dollars on teeth work and it looks like I will be spending hundreds more.  I do drink sodas (one a day) so I might have to give that up next, but I don’t want to unless I know that it will help.  I feel like no matter what I do it will always be a problem.  Well, in the process of the bad cavities, x rays have revealed that the braces have eroded the roots to my four front teeth.  It is called root resorbtion and it is not very common, but does happen from braces.  Basically, my front teeth are already loose with the possibility of falling out sooner than later.  Imagine that…being toothless at forty!  My fear is them fallling out randomly and looking homeless.  I have to remind myself it is cosmetic and can be fixed (my grandmother wore dentures at thirty) and that it is not the end of the world, but for a girl that loves to smile…it is a nightmare.  In learning of my teeth problems, I have to give up chewing gum which I love!!  I feel like it is Lent forever since I am giving up my love of gum.  I cannot change that I have Lupus and I cannot change that if I am going to lose my teeth it will have to be from a good steak rather than Hubba Bubba.  (I am now praying for them to stay in as long as possible and grow roots where there are none…If I can keep them until sixty then I will be like all my friends that are missing teeth or have already died.)

Finally, the summer has reminded me that my autoimmune disease is still there with the effects of the sun.  I love the outdoors and love working out and a lot that had to be put on hold last summer to accomodate the disease.  I am now on meds and feel better than ever, but my reality is that one illness or one allergy can trigger a huge physical malfunction so I must be careful.  My medication works great, my symptoms are mild, but I take care of myself so I must continue to not overstress my body with intense workouts or sitting in the sun all day.  Allergies used to be a problem, but with this disease it is a trigger to meltdown and being sick is no fun…ever!  I also have to remember that i am a mom now and my health is more important than ever.  I want to run outside all day, I want to bathe in the sun, I want to play soccer games until I am exhausted, but I also want to walk tomorrow and not feeling every muscle ache so I must monitor my activity.  Thankfully, my flares have been at a minimum and I am able to be a great a mom as any healthy human being; but the sun reminds me that it is not always my friend.  I cannot change my body including my small hump on my nose that I want to get surgically fixed because I cringe at my profile, but my husband says “no way”…Okay…I feel better. 

Finally, we posted the pic above on our Facebook pages today.  God, I love that kid!  However, someone who clearly does not check Facebook very much unknowingly wrote “He looks like….wait, who’s kid is that?”  I wanted to write “Don’t tell him he is adopted…it will blow our cover”  or “He should thank God that he does not have our genetics because he has a shot at being a professional athlete!” But, I was vetoed by the hubs and told to leave it alone.  The person is a very nice person and probably has no idea that he is adopted and did not mean anything by it.  I know he’s adopted, my friends know he is adopted and our son will know that he is adopted, but it hit hard that all the world may not know.  We live in a world where adoption is the exception and not the norm and although we love that we adopted him and he is better than any child that we could never create, it is still a reminder that I didn’t birth him.  I cannot change that he is not genetically our offspring.  I cannot change that if he looks like us it is just a coincidence and I cannot change that this will be a conversation that we will have for the rest of his life and ours.

I know, I know….WHHHHAAAAAA…whine me a river you blessed bit*&%*(!  I warned you it was my pity party.  I love this baby dearly and am thankful that all those things (except the teeth) happened because it lead me to him.  I love that our story is not the norm and that we have a community of people that we can relate to through the power of Jesus.  We know this is God’s plan for our lives because his footsteps are everywhere.  Little things had to have happened such as being at the right church to meet the right person to lead us to AIM.  Or being chosen and put on hold for two months so that our birth mom could choose us later.  We know that we are in the midst of God’s great plan, but it still does not change that I have a disease and that I have a baby yet was never pregnant.  I have to accept that and accept that with our adoption will come assumptions and we will have to have long talks about biology and destiny.  I just didn’t expect to be reminded of all that all at the same time.  So my pity party and long post is now over…thanks for reading.

The good news is: in feeling all these feelings I have come to the conclusion if I could change it all I wouldn’t.  I would still be infertile if it meant I could adopt Callen.  I would still have Lupus if it meant that I could save my money and time by not doing IUI or IVF since it would jack me up anyway.  Bad teeth are a small price to pay for a healthy liver, kidneys and heart (I am fortunate).   I just wanted to share with my blogging world what has been in my head and heart lately.  It brings me closer to God so I guess it ain’t all that bad.  God knows it isn’t all easy, but He also knows all the good that has come from it.  Not even God wanted me to go through this trouble, but we live in an imperfect world where bad things do happen. However, I am not alone. He says to do everything without complaining so I guess I should just shut my mouth and thank Him.  So, thank you, God for being with me down the road less traveled.

Dec15

Bittersweet

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Bittersweet describes my life right now.  The exact date that Callen’s papers were signed and we could officially feel like he was part of our family, my grandmother had a massive stroke while on a Disney cruise ship in Mexico.  The nightmare my aunt and cousin had to go through to get her from the hospital in Mexico to Houston is unimaginable.  She is now in Houston and hooked up to ventilators and unconscious.

My grandmother watched her mother suffer for five years in a vegetable-like state after a stroke took her physical body.  After enduring this for so many years, she left a very specific will to not be placed on life support or feeding tubes if the situation could not improve.  We want to honor wishes as she was 82 years old and already in frail condition while wanting to give her time to recover if that is even possible.

My amazing husband took our five day old son for the entire day while I went back to Houston to say good bye and see my grandmother’s progress.  Callen was perfectly cared for and my husband survived with flying colors.  He did phenomenal actually.  I had such peace knowing Nathan was in charge.  When I came home, he was guiding me in all that Callen liked and did not like.  Nathan knows him so well now!

My grandmother was a very special lady to me.  She was so present in my life and was able to attend every important event in my life.  Graduations (high school, bachelor, masters), wedding, showers, prom, birthdays etc. she was there for it all.  Callen held a special place in her heart because I learned that she and my grandfather also struggled with fertility.  I learned that they were seeking to adopt to start their family, but then after seven years, they miraculously became pregnant.  She knows more than anyone how important this adoption was to us.  She wanted to help in any way that she could.

On the day that we found out that Callen was joining our family, she was on a cruise ship and desperately eager to know.  She had been praying so hard for our family and told everyone she knew about our journey.  She cried over and over when she knew that we were placed.  On the day she had a stroke, she learned it was final and he was coming home with us.  She said it was the happiest day of her life.  I believe it.

My sadness is so great as we celebrate a life and as we mourn the possible loss of another one.  Our God creates miracles, but I think she was ready to go home.  If she could fight, she would for our baby, but her body was so frail and damaged and she hated the loss of her freedom and health.  It is in God’s hands, but I find peace in knowing that she knew Callen was with us and would be ours forever.  I will meet her in Heaven someday and thank her for her generosity, guidance, love and prayers.

The good news is: God conquered death so that we could live for eternity with Him.  My Maw Maw is going home if the good Lord permits.  I was able to say my good bye and trust in his will.  The tragedy or irony is that the family will make their final decision on Monday, December 17th…her 83rd birthday.  God be with the doctors and all those involved.