I have only recently started to attend Women’s Bible Studies. I have tried five of them total, but only finished two of them so far. The other three I either fell so far behind in the homework that I never went back or lost interest in the topic. The two that I have finished made such an impact on me that I have started another one and I feel confident that I will complete this one. First, I usually commit to completing them in the summer when I have the time to devote to reading and diving into the word (I know, I need to make time during the school year, but they sometimes begin to feel like one more thing I have to do…I am working on it) . Second, I have found that in times of major change I follow through because I need it. Right now is one of those times.
A few years ago, I was going through some hardships in my marriage and the Bible study saved my life. I felt God leading me to join this one specifically and boy did He show up. I gained so much wisdom and truth that it was like He was speaking to me through these words. Other Bible studies I have not been so careful to choose properly and they have not been as effective. This summer, I really prayed about it and chose a great topic, but the time was not ideal. However, I felt led to do it anyway and the past two weeks have proven to be a good choice.
We just finished our lessons on the book of Joshua and God spoke directly to my heart about my situation with infertility, Lupus and adoption. The bottom line: God is with me and is leading me, but I must be obedient to follow and trust Him. A powerful message, but a difficult one to practice. I want control. I want it my way. I want answers NOW with little to no effort. I want things to be easy. God doesn’t always work that way. I have to learn that I have no idea how this will all end, but I know the One who does and that is enough.
The God of Moses and Joshua kept His promises to them and He will keep His promises to me. I just have to trust Him and follow where He leads. The only way I will know where He is leading me is by staying in His word and in His will. Not easy to do when I busy my day with all kinds of projects or just being lazy declaring “I am on vacation!”. However He chooses to get my attention I will take it because I know I need it. So much of what is going on in my life right now is left unknown and it is easy to get scared, frustrated, discouraged and doubtful. The only way to have peace about all this is to cling to Him and trust that He is in control and His plan is good. I get peace in knowing some of the greatest characters in the Bible felt afraid and they were speaking directly with God…I am not alone.
On a side note, I got teary eyed recently because I was reminded of a friend that is pregnant and her story is similar to mine. She and her husband tried for quite awhile and they had almost given up thinking they could not get pregnant until the last month of trying she learned that she was having a baby. The only part of her story that is like mine is “the trying for a long time” part. The reason I got teary eyed is because I wanted her story to be mine. I wanted in the pit of desperation and uncertainty to suddenly discover that our miracle had occured and we were indeed pregnant. That is not the case. Three years later…we still are not pregnant and likely will not be. Ever.
It is sad at times because finding out another friend is pregnant when you want to be is really hard. You are happy for them, but reminded that you are not having a child in this way. Their joy is your reminder that this is not for you. It’s not like I want their baby or I don’t want them to ever have a child, but it is the reality that your story is different even when you wanted it to be the same. It simply is not. My husband says it best, “Our fairytale is different and when our time comes…it will be really great.” Which leads me to end this post on a positive note.
I read a devotional recently titled “It never mattered.” It is about a woman that struggled with infertility and kept thinking if having an adopted baby would take the place of having a biological one. She wasn’t sure if it would feel the same; the same connect and the same joy (beyond being happy). When her adopted baby was placed into her arms and she saw her future she realized “It never mattered.” It did not matter if she gave birth to it or not; this was her baby and it all felt the same. The same joy. The same hope. The same peace. The same sense of wanting to be the best mother possible for this dearly loved child. The lead characters would be different. The setting would be different. The conflict in the story would be different, but the ending will be the same. They will live happily ever after with the love of a child that was prayed about it and well worth the wait. I love happy endings!!
The good news is: The God of Moses and Joshua and Abraham is my God, too. He led these men and other characters in the Bible through times of turmoil and peace and He will lead me through this. His promises are true and His faithfulness is never ending. I am in good hands.