Is infertility a good thing?….Heck no, it sucks! I despised waiting month after month to see if I was pregnant….hoping for two weeks then crying for the next two only to start the cycle again. It got to the point where discovering my cycle had started became a sweet relief because at least I could stop hoping and resume normal living. The worst feeling in the world is to be so out of control of something that is so normal and easy for others. I had plans, a calendar, a kit, a timeline and month after month I had to rearrange and restart the future. Sitting in a doctor office with a title I can’t even spell, so I willl abbreviate RE, was embarrassing. You felt sympathy for every couple in there knowing you all shared a horrific common bond: you can’t get pregnant on your own. It was a miserable time in my life so I am not saying I enjoyed it, but looking back being infertile is one of the things I consider a blessing…
Why is it a blessing? Glad you asked:
#1 It is the exact reason I began to blog. Before Lupus and infertility, I did not have much of a story to tell. Nothing about me set me a part or made my story important. Enter disease and a non working reproductive system and now I am interesting! I never knew there was such a large world of writers that had experienced or were experiencing the same heartache and same struggle that I was going through. I began to lean on their stories and cling to their comments. Their likes inspired me to write more and my anonomity helped me to be real and open and it felt good. Infertility gave me the chance to be a writer again and reconnect to a passion that I had lost.
#2 Infertility gave me empathy. I was like most women clinging to birth control until the exact month I wanted to get pregnant then getting off it and expecting to see positive lines. Month after month after month then year after year it all showed blank. I now empathize with couples that it is not easy. I feel for couples like us that just don’t decide one day we want one more or to go for a girl this time. I don’t assume anything anymore and I learned to celebrate big with those that are successful and cry genuine tears for those that are not. I understand women that struggle with conceiving children in a very unique way.
#3 Infertility brought me closer to God. I learned patience, I learned timing, I learned I was never in control and the delicate system of our bodies is too much even for science to explain it all. I clung to his promises and faithfully believed that I was not alone and my prayers were being heard even if the answer was not the same thing as mine.
#4 Finally, it led me to adoption. I never considered adoption my last resort…I just never paid attention to it before. When the door was finally closed to conceiving naturally then I opened my heart to another option. An option that I did not consider because I did not think it was my calling. Time after time, God dropped hints and signs, but I am so stubborn in my own plans that I kept telling him, “Shhhh…” Finally, I stopped praying to get pregnant and began praying to create our family. The timing was perfect for God to lead us to our son. The boy I was meant to parent all along and the reason I was born. Our son is amazing and a promise fulfilled in every picture we take that I am living the dream. The affirmation of every decision I ever made that led us to him…our child…the perfect one for us. Infertility made me listen to that calling and to stop trying to figure it out. It shut the doors that I kept open with my foot because I wanted to do what I wanted to do.
If I had another life to live…I would do it again if it led me to the adoption of our son. Infertility did not destroy me.
Now this post does not mean that I will congratulate barren women everywhere or speak on behalf of increasing infertility for all the joys it will bring. Never. But, I hope to encourage women that infertility can be an opportunity to turn something tragic into a triumph. Don’t let infertility define you and when you get the chance, be a rock for others to empower us to continue looking for healing. Infertility takes a lot, but it does not take everything.
•http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)