Today has been the easiest compared to all the other days. Now, I did find myself engrossed in Twitter for the past ten okay maybe twenty minutes. My guilty pleasure is Mob Wives, but I have to record it because of the violent content, language and I have to fast forward through commercials and sometimes pause it to prepare for the fighting. The show makes me want to curse, talk with an accent and fight…though I do none of those things regularly if ever. So much drama in one reality tv show…so un-fruits of the spirit…hence it is my guilty pleasure and may be part of my next fast who knows?
Back to today, I did not have much temptation to look at it today. Maybe I was busier or preoccupied or maybe just used to it more, but it was truly not a temptation. I have been praying about that lately (yes, a girl that watches Mob Wives prays) that Satan will increase my temptation as he knows I am seeking to change and to be prepared. I was more ready for the attack today. Secondly, after hearing my husband’s motivation behind all this was to spend more time together and not necessarily fix my bad habits or correct me then I see it all differently. I see it is done with a motivation of love and not arrogance. It humbled me that with all my flaws (see first paragraph) he wants to be with me. Wow! I am a woman that is wanted by my man and that is a beautiful thing and worth giving up social media. We did discuss there could be a balance in everything and after this 30 days…now 25… then we will have to sort that out. Feeling much more hopeful for the next 25, but I must use this time to hear what God is teaching me for all this to be worth it.
On a side note, in my attempt to be much more in the moment, I made homemade bubbles for my son. Part dishwasher detergent, part water and part sugar…they were so pretty bomb bubbles. Proud we took the time to do that together. I felt less guilty about giving him a small bottle knowing I could make them again quickly versus him pouring out the store bought bubbles. The bubbles were a happy moment for us both.
The good news is: the marriage is back on track so thanks for the prayers. Doubt I will write for 30 days about not using Facebook, but you never know 🙂
Sadly, I have noticed I am switching my time to other things that do not involve Facebook, but are also not any better. For instance, I posted my first tweet today. Why? I don’t know-I just wanted to express a thought and it was there…it was favorited by the way, but that should not matter. Weirdly, another reason is it is another opportunity to be known..even if it is for your one liners or short thoughts…it is like you are heard. The reality is who cares what I think or do…Twitter seems so much better for famous people. Anyway, in all of this the hubs and I got into an argument as he pointed out that it is not about what I am using the phone for it is about the phone is keeping me from spending time with him and the family.
That was a shocker. I took this whole thing to be about use your time more wisely. Get up and clean something, read a book, cook a dish, fix an appliance…never thought it was “hang out with me more”. Seems to me I am on my phone the most when he is not here, so why does he care except he comes home to a dirty house…but tonight he confessed that it was more about it is a distraction from him and our son and he wants it to be more about spending more time together. Blew my mind…all this time I thought it was more about him disliking a bad habit and wanting to get rid of it because it would make me better. It changes everything that it is more about spending more time with him. I am a quality time Love Language girl so more time with my husband is always a good thing…I just always thought that his idea of more time meant I was being put to work because I was in trouble. It never occurred to me that my midday nap was being selfish. I also never thought it was a bad thing for him to do his thing and me to do mine as long as we come back at night and snuggle. Never knew that he felt disconnect in all that while I was feeling our marriage is great that we are building up each other’s personal interests. I see it now…did not see it then. I always thought we spend a lot of time together anyway. Not sure how this will all work out, but I have 26 more days to figure it out.
The good news is: Keep praying for healing in the marriage. FB might have been the catalyst for the disagreement, but it addresses several issues that need to be addressed. Praying to use these days to really search my soul and connect with God’s will for my life and how I can use my gifts to serve Him better and serve my marriage better.
Good news is the person that created this mandatory fast and I are on speaking terms again. This is a huge milestone as the fast is still on, but at least I have someone else to talk to when I get home besides this toddler seen above. He got a haircut today and looks so cute, but I cannot connect to Facebook to share so that the Lord for Instagram!! In pic one above, he is saying “cheese”, pic two he is saying, “um, let’s see” then puts his finger on his chin…adorable!! and pic three he is attempting to read. This would be SO Facebook worthy, but no can do…so this blog and Instagram will have to do!
Day three was easier like I predicted, but I have three new aha moments. 1. I found myself feeling left out because a friend is going a gender reveal (not a close friend to send me a special text, but a good enough friend that I care what she is having). It reminded me that so many people post it to Facebook and figure they told all their friends…so you know. I remember that is why I got on the site four years ago after refusing to for a couple of years…a friend was moving to Australia and another one was getting married and I had no idea. Joined FB that day. 2. My husband says he does not get on it except to wish people Happy Birthday…which is so true! I have no ideas whose birthday it is because FB reminds me. 3. I find myself messaging, texting and Instagraming way more than usual due to needing to fulfill those contacts. I question if I am replacing one addiction with another…but still find myself on it way less and the relationships are more personal since it is one on one versus one with the world since all can see the comments. Overall, pleased with the progress and do find myself more in the moment, but still way busier than I want to be getting things done.
The good news is: Texas weather is 75 today…a perfect day to sit on a patio, browse the apps on my phone and just chill. Not so for me, but I raced outside with my son since my phone was useless and that was much better. Dreading the weekend a little bit and always curious if I have posts and tagged comments waiting to be seen…think I dread more what if I don’t? What if my month of being disconnected turns into “Oh, I had no idea you were not on it?” It would prove my husband wrong that I am not an addict like he claims and always on it, but it would mean no one missed me which would make me feel foolish since I feel kidnapped. We shall see in 27 days!
Big praise today that the doctor visit was a positive one for a friend and I did not find out from a post, but rather a text!! A personal text! I did wonder what she posted though and how everyone responded…hmmm…I do think about social media too much!
Today, was my first day back to work while refusing to look at Facebook. The first problem I had to address was telling the boss that I could no longer be a person responsible for managing our school Facebook page. Ha! How can you manage something that you are not suppose to look at? In the argument with my husband, I tried to use this for my benefit. I told him, “Do you realize you are only hurting the children? Are you okay with that?” He did not seem to mind too much. The thing that irks me about this whole experiment is that I can only assume he is getting on it every day which kind of makes me mad. I know he claims he is not the one with the problem, but while I am refraining, he could be over indulging…who knows! The other thing that sits uneasy with me is I am a noticeable Facebook user…I comment, like, post on walls etc. Many people look on it as much as I do or more, but just lurk. They do not want to be seen, so they just view it without attracting attention; I don’t care who knows I am on it…until now.
Anyway, back to today. It was sort of lonely and lost today. I felt like I had lost friends or moved. My husband and I are not exactly on good terms, so I felt kind of like I was in hiding. The times throughout the day that I did run into adults I threw my whole self into the conversation…it felt so good to talk to people and laugh and hear stories. Since this is my first day with the real world, I felt like I had to tell everybody so they knew I did not abandon them. I also caught myself throughout the day wondering about different events and have they posted the outcome on Facebook. I caught myself feeling distant from reality. I also found myself lost. When I would have normally flipped through the app like at recess, the store line, or when I got home and the house was napping, I found that I just sat there. I checked Instagram (not much new), the US weekly app and WFAA news and then I was back to the stillness. It did strike me how much I turn to Facebook to just fill up time. I just check it to see what is new or the comments added etc. I really spent time praying and evaluating why I feel the personal FB interaction as strong as I do despite the relationships being completely over the Internet. Weird how I have become dependent on it in a number of ways.
Finally, I feel out of the loop, but also out of the drama. Not much irritated me today, or made me question or made me skeptical. Some posts just get under my skin or people that like to stir up mystery and I experienced none of that today. That part felt good. I also felt like I got more done. At times that I would have just rested and scrolled for a connection, I kept myself busy with dishes, clothes, groceries etc. I worked too much today! I think adjusting to this new normal will be hardest today and this weekend when I am really guilty of just browsing. I feel missed and I feel like I have been kidnapped from my social community. I want to tell them what is happening, but that would mean I start over. I also will not budge even if Nathan says that I can get back on it. This is my opportunity to explore this and I won’t give up.
The Good news is: It is allowing God to speak to me in a new way. I am learning about myself and my insecurities and where I get my approval from. This might prove to be interesting.
My husband approached me yesterday about my excessive use of Facebook. To be fair, this has been an ongoing argument for a couple of years now that I am preoccupied with my phone (at one time it was Candy Crush), but now it was checking Facebook. To be even more fair, I waited a really long time to set up an account for this exact purpose; I even was reluctant to get an iPhone because I was afraid the instant access of all things digital would be a distraction. Slower and older phones might deter me from being preoccupied, but when my old screen broke then this phone was free hence the addiction. I know my weaknesses and this had everything: I get my news, gossip, articles, self help…FB for my guilty pleasure.
I digress. So in the heat of the argument he accused me of making my Facebook a god and a top priority above all else and even went on to say that my over obsession has hurt the family. Although, his words were a bit dramatic…I know some of his observations are accurate. I am alone with a toddler in the evenings while he works and I teach, so I am with kids all day…Facebook is kind of my adult time. I see it as a ministry at times; offering prayers to the hurting or likes to the pictures or commenting on people’s pictures of their kids. It is also my way of sharing my family and my child with his biological parents. There can be some very good uses of the social media including a women’s devotional group that I am a part of. I also feel it has a platform for sharing you are pregnant or the loss of a relative. My friends list really are my friends and I find it a way to share your life through words in writing. But, it can be addictive very addictive.
My problem came when I posted something. I became glued to commenting responses as people wrote. I would often check the post to see what someone said so that I could reply. I was also addicted at times waiting for a gender reveal or a baby to be born etc. Mostly innocent things, but can steal your time and I say steal because there were some nights I did not get done what needed to be done although I was very “busy” It really suffered when I neglected my prayer or devotional time because I was too tired. I caught my own self becoming vain and felt empty when the interactions were limited. My number one prayer lately has been to break my cycle of idleness. The challenge is I am a writer, a reader and love relationships so Facebook can become a crutch to all three. I admit I needed help, but I am frustrated that my husband felt it was his job to fix it. He compared my excuses and my lack of accountability to an alcoholic…we are still not talking. Not over that one.
But, here I am on day one of no Facebook for a month. It has not been easy. I caught myself wanting to surf the feed when I am bored. I find myself with way more time. I feel a little lonely now and then even though people are with me. I am committed for my marriage, my Lord and myself. I have needed to do this. I am using this 30 days to ask God to speak to me in the trial and to explore my soul of why I felt like I needed it. I have no idea how this will go but I refuse to break for thirty days. I have deleted the app, but not the account because I love my pictures. Stay tuned to see how this month will go and what revelations God reveals.
The Good news: Please pray for my marriage.
Fun times are happening in our house as we explore the terrible twos. I have heard threes are worse, but twos have kept us pretty busy. Overall, he is a very happy and polite child as long as he is rested. It helps that he is very verbal and pretty easy going. But he is a sponge of new learning and recently he has started this thing where he crosses his arms and yells out when he does not get his way. The yelling is a little obnoxious as that “no” thing can get old quick, but the crossing his arms and shaking his head is quite funny. It is amazing how he puts it all together to create quite a scene. I finally had the phone nearby to take a pic as I know even the irritating moments will be a beautiful memory someday.
The good news is: I am giggling out loud as I can hear my husband shout “Don’t run from me!” Speaking to a toddler that loves to be outside and refuses to come back in. Ha! These are those beautiful times that make you laugh while you scream. These are the events that will be talked about when we meet his girlfriend for the first time.
I have several friends that swear by Young Living oils. I wanted to try them, but after looking at the price became disinterested. While shopping at Vitamin World, I found a collection of oils in the aisle. I tried the big ones: Lavender, Peppermint, Tea Tree and Eucalyptus. I became addicted! I am a scent girl (think wax warmers in four rooms) and began to hunt for more. Eventually I stumbled upon Edens Garden and now I am hooked for life.
I use Lavender and Thieves to calm my sleepy baby and protect from illness. I used Clove during teething and Lemon for his allergies. I use peppermint for his belly aches and Tea Tree for cuts and scrapes.
I am more a blend girl for myself. Stay Alert is put on my pulse points at lunch to keep me going. Good Night is my sleeping blend, Calm and Peace is diffused for anxiety and Stress Relief is for those hectic testing times at school. There is even an Age Defy for wrinkles…trying to delay Botox. PMS blend calms my monthly visits and there is even a blend for those in the mood moments. Too far? Sorry.
Finally, I have recently begun trying blends to keep my Lupus in check. Copaiba, Renew and Frankinsence (sp?) is good for the immune system and Muscle Relief calms my aching joints.
I have recently bought a set for my parents to try as they were asking how I kept from getting sick (so far) this winter. I feel like things you love you should share 🙂
Obviously, I continue my Plaquenil and Prednisone but these added to the mix keep the doses low and the flares at bay. I have no idea how they work…it may be all mental, but I tell people it does not hurt to try it. I write this post not to anger or argue with Young Living reps, do what works for you (do not get me started on Scentsy vs Home and Garden wax) I just want to share an often not discussed option for those as freaked out as me over a forty dollar bottle of oil.
The good news is: God is the ultimate healer and oils do not replace a doctor. I am a believer in modern medicine, too, but these smell great and are all natural so why not?
You have no idea how proud I am to be your mother. Not just a mother, your mother! I was told I could not have children because my body would not carry a baby; it was devastating news to hear. I knew I wanted to be mom, but now I felt confused. So many choices. Then God put on our heart to adopt and the decision felt right. I worried about who, when, where, how and then we let The Lord take over. I remember being so afraid that we would adopt the wrong baby and it would not be the perfect fit. I wrestled with trusting God to make you perfect for us. I remember thinking what if the child likes something I cannot understand or what if he/she is the exact opposite of us and we never quite click.
Why did I worry?
You are now two years old and I cannot imagine a more perfect child for our family. You complete Nathan and I and everything about you is what we envisioned for our ideal child and more. People say you even look like us. They always comment on eyes like your daddy or hair like your mom. We giggle at our special secret or amaze them with the truth: you are adopted and created by God for us…of course you look like us!
At two you are already showing so much personality. You are strong and brave; not a whiner or a complainer. You love the water, love the mud, love the outside and running instead of walking. You love to eat and dance when a bite is good. You are a meat eater all the way…and will try anything. You love music especially Little Einsteins. You sing when you are happy. You are glued to Frozen and act out the scenes. You have the most contagious laugh ever! You play hard and love hard. You give us kisses and hug your animals. You cuddle with blankets but not with mommy unless you are sick. You are as athletic as we are and maybe even more. We love to compete and so do you-without notice you will say “on your mark, get set, go” then take off. We know you have started and race and we better get going!
You are smart. You pick up our phrases easily and copy us often. You tackle daddy and hide from us under the table; you strain and say “I’m stuck!” when you really are not. You imagine with your wrestling figures. You climb up the bed and fall face first into the sheets and love every second. You are observant. You survey the room and watch before you commit to opening up. You talk up a storm and share about your day. You invite others to play with you by saying “come on!” You are a leader and direct the dogs to do what you want. You pray with us and listen as we read Bible stories. You are always thinking! Always learning. You sing Frosty, Let it Go, Happy Birthday, ABC’s…you take a bath for over an hour because you hate to get out. I have to make you drain the tub.
You love animals and love reading. You are passionate and throw yourself down when things do not go as planned. Sitting you in time out calms you. Your latest trick is crossing your arms and saying “I don’t want it.” You love to laugh and live life. I am proud to call you my son and I am grateful that God allowed for the circumstances to happen that brought us together. Infertility is my friend since it brought me to you. Every decision I make you are in it. I love our relationship and you. Everything about you. Never forget that…I would never change you. I would never change us and our story. Thank you for these memories, these hugs, these moments and these best days of my life now that I have met you. Thank you for calling me Ma, Mom, Mommy and Julia (your dad taught you that). Thank you for filling my heart with this unbelievable love!
Love, your mom
The last time we went out on New Year’s Eve was in 2011. My friend hosted a party at her home and we stayed after everyone left and talked about the future. It was the first time we had told others our leadings to adopt. They had so many questions that we could not answer, but we just knew that our family was about to change. I remember my husband and I kissed that year knowing big things were in store in 2012.
2012 brought the birth and later adoption of our son. We both stayed in with him that year as he was only 3 weeks old. The next nye, he was one and my husband worked while I dressed him in tuxedo pajamas. This year my friend calls me a week ago and says “let’s do something fun this nye”.
My first reaction was my husband was probably working and probably could not get off. But later when he confirmed that he could, my question became “How fun?”
Some research and planning brought us to our NYE 2014. We rented a hotel room at the Harbor, met for dinner then boarded a boat for a cruise/ ball drop and countdown. It was crazy cold, but the boat was enclosed and heated…perfect! Such a fun way to share the city with friends and lots of laughs. We went to the hotel afterwards and danced to live music before heading to bed. So many funny moments as a couple, with my best friend and as the four of us doing life together. I hope Callen can appreciate how much his parents enjoy being together and intend to keep making new memories both as a couple and family. Praying for big blessings for your 2015!! Happy New Year!