Callen is growing so quickly!  He is now four months and beginning the early stages of teething.  He is drooling like a pro and is beginning to sit up on his own.  He is a chubby one as you can see in the pic above.  He is a healthy and strong eater.  He has a chill personality of just going with the flow.  We are so blessed to have a baby that we can handle.  He loves to laugh and smile and will only get fussy if he is tired or hungry.  As long as we feed him and he gets a nap than he is pretty easy! 

Hard to believe how much our lives have changed since we adopted him in December.  His birth parents keep in touch through social media and text messages.  They are all part of our extended family.  We feel so blessed that it is hard to believe I still sometimes get feelings of fear and doubt.  My husband says I am crazy…but, there are times I still get bummed about infertility. I have this great baby, I call myself a mom and I get to raise this child and yet I still have twangs of sadness about not being pregnant or having a biological child.  Pathetic I know. 

Still praying about it, but the bottom line for me is that at thirty three I am now surrounded by a world of women having their second or third or fourth child while we struggled so long to have one.  We always thought that he would have a sibling, but seeing the cost and struggle we seriously doubt that will happen.  I struggle with being thankful for one and then sad that more is so hard.  Why do some people just decide I want another baby and then bam it happens!  For us that would be a huge undertaking and a major decision.  Not impossible, but I wonder if the hole is for two kids or one biological one.  Not sure.  I keep saying that in my dream world we would have this biological, healthy and perfect child, but would I be just as happy if I had a difficult pregnancy or a child with issues?  Is biology that important or is just a realization that our normal is not like any other? 

Through prayer, I have come to the conclusion that I must lean and trust in God’s plan.  That children are just one blessing, but not the only blessing.  That God is good and he is using us for his purpose and to be grateful that we were obedient to His calling.  It is true adoption does not take away infertility.  Not being able to conceive is still mind boggling and empty in its own way.  However, maybe it is not all about me.  Maybe all of this is really about our son that needed us as much as we needed him.  Maybe our lives are so much more than our child bearing years.  Still looking for wisdom, but the first step is being honest about how I feel.  I do not want to worry away this amazing time in my life so I must ponder it then move on.

The good news is: I cannot imagine my life without him no matter how he got here.  God will place the desire in our hearts and create a way if he wants us to have more.  Until then, we will appreciate each day with our son and trust His plan.