(Prewarning: My November 21st post was about how confident I would be and go forward in faith, but I let fear creep back in. When will I learn??)
So this past week has been a whirlwind of excitement and lots of buying for the baby! A little fun and a little depressing all at the same time. The fun comes from shopping for all the things you know your baby will need…the depressing part comes from how expensive babies can be! We are thankful for the multitude of friends that have gifted us with clothes, swings, play yards, carriers etc. and we need it all since this one is our first, but much of what we are buying many people get at showers and we are choosing not to have one until after the baby is here. So, we are now buying everything we will need for his first month of life while trying to remember all the things we don’t need and can register for later. ( A friend put it well when she said “You are doing in three weeks what most spend months doing.” God has provided for it all so we are thankful and hope to pay it forward when the time comes.)
We chose to hold off on a shower for two reasons, first, the holidays are here and money is tight for everybody right now. We know and understand to throw a quick shower together would be a stretch for all of us even though our friends would graciously do it. Second, we won’t feel free until the baby is in our home sleeping in his crib or bassinet (whichever we decide to do). I spoke earlier about the new show The Baby Wait on Logo. We are living this show right now. Even though the call was one of the greatest feelings ever and the wait to get the call was finally over…now, a new wait starts; the wait to get the baby. We were told that adoption is not for weenies and we are learning that right now. Not only can the birthmom change her mind about choosing us right now…she can change her mind up to forty eight hours after the baby is born in the state of Texas. ( Our social worker likes to say “You sure do make everything hard.” I am learning she may be right.)
Which brings me to my title. I’ve been here before…waiting. My husband and I went through TWO years of separation before reconciling and building a strong Christ centered marriage. Talk about waiting. Most days I felt like I was just waiting for a divorce since I saw no healing in sight. Other days I felt bothered nothing was happening…I was just waiting to get it all over with. Other days, I was relieved we were at least still married since that meant there was hope. So I know this path and I have reverted back to that season to gain strength for this one. (Amazing how God uses those trials to prepare you for new ones.)
My first plan of action was to get back out my book Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers. It is a book about holding your thoughts captive in Christ. Our minds can be our worst enemy and we have a say in what we CHOOSE to think about. Our minds control our emotions and we have a choice in how we feel as well. I highly recommend this book to anyone struggling with negative, doubtful or anxious thoughts. I have read it over and over and continue to still read it for strength and scripture. (Maybe you can tell by now I am a little neurotic!)
Second, prayer. God must love my company because I often feel He puts me in situations where only He can work things out. He reminded me of something today that He taught me when I was separated: He makes me whole…not my marriage. Today, He said: I make you whole…not a baby. Punch me in the gut! Talk about lesson learned. God reminded me I will still have everything as long as I have Him. A baby is a gift, but not THE gift. THE gift is Him dying on the cross for me. ( I know many right now have lost their faith in God after years of infertility, miscarriages and pain; I don’t know the answers to all that-but I do know God’s love never fails.)
I have spent most of the weekend running all the “what ifs” in my head. I have been anxious and worried and afraid. I fear disappointing others and the despair I will feel if this adoption fails. I have spent most of my time dwelling on it which leads to Satan planting some of the worst lies in my brain. I know the worst case scenarios of our situation and they have consumed me lately. Until today. God has brought us to this place and although He has not promised it will all work out; he has promised it will all be for our good. If this is not our baby, then there is another one out there that is. God is creating our family as I type and that is all I need to know. Saying all this, I am not giving up hope that we met Callen Ryan at lunch last Monday, but I refuse to dwell on the possibility that all this can blow up in my face. All I am saying is that if it does, it is not the end of the world and I lost sight of that this weekend.
The good news is: The bottom line is being afraid, worried and anxious is not Christ-like. In and through all of this my biggest prayer has been for others to see Him in me. If I spend my time dwelling on failure, then I miss the opportunities He is preparing for me to be victorious. I want to stand out as being different therefore I must change my way of thinking. While writing this post, SNL is playing in the background and this song came on which sums up a lot of what I am trying to say. http://youtu.be/rGKfrgqWcv0