And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his
work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Phillipians 1:6
I have never understood the term “hurry up and wait” until now. I felt for the past three months that we were rushing to do paperwork, home studies, create books etc. After we turned it all in around August, we finally got a chance to breathe and now we wait. I am not good at being patient, so this is a test for me. On one hand, I love the time building relationships in my classroom. I never wanted to leave them so early in the year; I always wanted the opportunity to create the learning environment before disrupting it with an absence. However, the waiting process causes me to start overthinking and in my analytical overthinking I begin to doubt and worry.
I feel like I am disappointing people when they ask, “How is the adoption going?” My response has been, “Good…we are still waiting.” I don’t know what the expectations have been, but I guess many assumed that we would be immediately chosen by a family since on paper we seem like a pretty solid couple. The truth is we knew this could take a while and it had been moving very quickly (almost too quickly) before now. Many adoptions take years and we are going on four months since we started the process. But as we wait, it is so easy to start doubting the book we created, the agency we chose, if we should have tried fertility treatments…the list goes on and on. But here is the deal: I have been here before and I must remain faithful.
Nathan and I went through a dark time in our marriage where all I could rely on were the promises of God. For the first time, I felt completely out of control like my future had nothing to do with me. I could clearly tell that God was with me, but He was being silent on purpose. He guided me one step at time and only in looking back did everything make sense. I feel like that today. Things have fallen perfectly into place for this to be in our own will. Satan loves to create confusion. I must rely on that experience to see me through this one. My prayer continues to be “if this is not your will then stop it today”…that is the same prayer I prayed before we got married, so when we were struggling then I knew it wasn’t a mistake. We didn’t choose the wrong spouse or get married too quickly…we were being changed and change takes time. I have to remain true to His promises and know He was good when things were moving quickly and He is still good when things seem to have stopped.
I look forward to sharing good news someday, but I will wait as long as it takes for God to create the situation that is perfect for us. His plan is made and our job is to obediently follow it. Please pray that Nathan and I will have the confidence and security to have no issues in dealing with our open adoption; it is not about us-it is about what is best for this child. Pray that the birth mom/ birth family’s needs are being met and that she finds us when the time is right. Pray for this child that might be already conceived, about to be conceived or even ready to be born. Pray God’s will to be done and for our agency to have the resources they need to serve this ministry.
The good news is: two of our friends have been chosen and are meeting or have met their forever families. One was given a couple of months notice and the other was given a couple of days. I am praying that our situation allows us the couple of months because you would have to pick me up off the floor if I only got two days!
Quick Lupus update: I feel amazingly and beyond belief great! I am enjoying my class, have energy at the end of the day and realize how fatigued I was last year compared to this year. My students this year are getting me at my best along with my soccer team and family. Plaquenil is amazing and I am so grateful for my doctors and for good health. Lupus has destroyed my fertility, but other than that and my purple hands and the medication I take daily, I almost forget that I have it. Others have commented how much healthier I look this year, and though I don’t like the extra five pounds, I know I look better with it. I am now being weaned off Prednisone in hopes to discontinue it all together.