It has been over a week since I last posted an update, but the truth is not much has changed. I love that my job keeps me busy since I am officially in the waiting phase of the adoption. All summer, I felt driven to get ready for the home study, complete the paperwork and finish the adoption book. I felt in control since I had so much to do before I could ever expect to receive good news, but now it is all out of my control. I love to be in control and I am fairly impatient so this phase is a challenge…I wish I knew all the details ahead of time, but if I did, I am sure I would change it all. I posted the video above because it is exactly how I feel during this time of waiting. When you are pregnant, you have a due date, you are trying to eat right, take care of yourself and others know that you are waiting…in adoption, you get the luxury of continuing your previous activities, but you have no timeline and many have no idea that you are even “expecting”. It’s a different path to building a family.
On a side note, more good friends and family have shared their pregnancy news with us which is awesome for them, but never easy for an infertile woman. My husband innocently asked, “Aren’t you used to this by now?” My harsh response, “No. It never gets easier and probably never will. It hurts every time.” Before we were trying to conceive, I dreamed of the day I would make that announcement. I thought it was a right and an experience I was expected to have. Then we started trying and I learned differently. Even through adoption, infertility hurts. Not all people adopt due to infertility, but the many that do, that loss never goes away even if it is replaced with the joy of dearly loved child. I am obviously thrilled for these friends (love is not jealous), but it makes you question, “Why not us?” Thankfully, God placed a good friend in my path to contact me when she heard the announcement to ask if I was okay. Crazy, but it felt good to know another woman that gets it. You don’t want to be selfish in your own self pity, but it is hard to be strong. I Corinthians 1:4 “When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” End side note.
So, anyways, in addition, to being a busy teacher (I feel even more driven in my lessons since I know that I might take extended time off) I have been reading books about adoption to better deal with the emotional side of this process. After reading them, I am passing them on to my family so they will be better prepared as well. Adoption is never easy and it is not the way most families are built, so with it comes a range of emotions that are difficult to understand. Currently, I am reading Dear Birthmother by Sibler and Speedlin; it is considered the open adoption handbook. It has opened my eyes to feelings and thoughts that I never knew I had. It is comforting to know I am normal!
I also received the children’s books that I bought for our library in the nursery. In addition to classics such as Goodnight Moon or Eric Carle books, I wanted to include books about adoption. I bought This is How We Became a Family by Willis, Tell Me Again about the Night I was Born by Curtis, A Mother for Choco by Kasza, I Wished for You by Richmond, and God Found Us You by Bergren. None of them are perfect for our adoption story, but they are all a start to giving our child book characters with a story like his/hers. I look forward to rocking my child to sleep after reading one of these great pieces of literature. Until that day, I continue to wait.
The good news is: I am waiting with a purpose! Our prayers have always been to have a healthy baby that God has chosen for us even if it takes a little longer. It is hard, but we have to trust in His perfect timing at the perfect season. This baby (wherever it may be) is well worth the wait!