I have been pretty busy lately getting our home ready for the home study next week.  Since we are an out of town couple, the social worker will be spending two days with us while staying at a local hotel.  So in addition to cleaning our house, we are also cleaning our car and making a plan for meals on the days that she is here.  I have also been trying to get in various appointments before my new school year starts.  It sounds really busy, but I have had three months off so it really is just procrastination in progress.  My goal has been to be able to have everything completed by her home study: fingerprints, physicals, birth book, paperwork…all of it done by the start of school.  My husband has been working three jobs in part to help pay for all this so once the home study is over our plan is to take a mini-vacation before the school year starts and we are trying to squeeze in a trip to Six Flags because I have a free ticket.

I am calling this time of home study cleaning and organizing as my nesting since I may never have one due to not being pregnant.  I have literally gone through every space in this house and cleaned it and organized it.  Closets, cabinets, pantry, laundry room, drawers, garage etc.  All of it!  What we don’t use has been trashed, donated or sold and what we do use has been placed where it belongs.  Our first bedroom has been my random junk pile for the first eight years of marriage, but now it is the UT room!  I painted it peach and orange and added some of my alumni memorabilia and it is now my subtle, yet fabulous, happy room.  I am very pleased that my vision worked out!  We got new carpet throughout the house and I am now cleaning out the baby’s room that we have had painted since our third year of marriage.  After eight years, we have a dining room table and it is nicely decorated with a place setting and flowers including decorations.  Finally, we have added some home accents throughout the house and it feels like new!

What is exciting is all this has needed to be done, but I have had no motivation to spend the money to do it.  With a baby on the way someday soon, it seems that now is the perfect time.  God has provided the resources and time to get it done and I feel like I have a new house which is amazing since we have lived in it for eight years!  My goal has always been to do it right when we can do it and it feels right.  It feels closer to welcoming a child and we know it is organized, so that makes it better!  I have left plenty of space around the house to get ready for baby things  🙂

Random thought: I have never included photographs on my blog, but that is in part because I am still hoping to remain mostly unknown.  I am still not comfortable sharing every aspect of our journey until it is complete…we are still in the waiting phase which feels a little like being in the middle.  However, I have been reading other blogs and I love how open most of the women are with their lives.  Granted, most of them are writing their blogs for friends and family, but I have not given this blog to either of those groups.  Our family would be a little shocked at all I am thinking and feeling going through this journey and I would rather them read it after the fact…when all this pain is worth it in the end.

On that random thought, I read a blog today that had such confidence and faith that good things WILL happen by the grace of God that it has made me more determined to catch that confidence.  God will create for us a family in HIS time and in the right SEASON where it all works out for our GOOD!  This trial is helping me to discover myself and one area I need to work on is my faith and trust in Him.  I usually try to protect myself, but He is protecting me and I don’t have to be afraid.  Whatever happens is how it is meant to be and I am just being obedient.  I’m done looking back at all the what could have beens and am confident to look forward at what is in store for us.

I love the dedication of all those women pursuing IUI, IVF and surrogacy and choosing to blog about it.  I wait in anticipation for if it worked or how it is going.  I feel like I know you and I am excited for you.  You are amazing women with such strength and you are all right…it WILL be worth it!  For me, your stories are affirming that we did the right thing by choosing this route instead.  I get overwhelmed looking at your medicines and doctor visits and I would have gladly done it all if I felt it would have worked for us…but reading your stories inspires me that we are all on our journey and all of us have infertility in common.   We will all be amazing mothers someday!

Last random thought, I have been reading a lot about international adoption, fostering to adopt, special needs adoption…it seems each new type has advocates pulling for it as being the “best” way to adopt.  I am unsure if there is ever a best way, but for awhile I felt like I am doing the “bad” adoption for wanting an infant from this area even if it means that the cost is higher.  However, I feel God guiding my heart to know all adoptions are part of His plan and He is leading us to where He wants us.  My adoption will be open, from our country and will require a loving relationship with an unknown family. I could not be more excited.  We have been praying for the family of our birthmother and for our unborn baby as we wait.  We have also been praying for our families to learn more about adoption so they can be prepared.  It takes a heart of grace from a variety of people for this to work out happily in the end.   God has something special in store and we are getting closer to finding out what that will be.  In humility, I don’t feel like it is us doing a great thing, I am most in awe of the birth mother creating a plan for her child that includes a faithful home from two parents eager and ready to raise a child.  Our lives will merge and our new family will be more than either of us could have asked or imagined.  I am confident God’s plan is best.

The good news is: as my summer comes to a close these blogs of different women in all parts of life have inspired me.  Thankful that I have entered into this blogging world and excited when I can share it with my family and friends….just not yet.