I had never been a blogger before last year. My first attempt was a classroom blog: www.readinginroom40.blogspot.com I did not write much on the class blog, but really used it as a yearbook for a year spent teaching a self contained classroom. The kids loved seeing themselves on the computer and it made the last day of school so much more emotional as we looked back on 180 days of growing together. I thought “I would want my child to have something like that to remember his/her school year” so I will do it again in the fall.
When I started this blog, I had to retell what had happened for the past three years which really struck me. In the moment it was all new and difficult; it was hard to wrap my brain around infertility and Lupus in the moment, but I wrote this blog as a flashback to all that I knew had already happened. It changes your perspective when you are able to look back and see where you are today. Today, I can say with confidence these trials led us to adopt for which I am thankful. During the trial, I did not know where I was going so it was not as easy to take in or accept. Which leads me to my latest “aha” in our bible study.
We just finished the book of Ruth and once again God spoke to my heart. There are only two books in the Bible named after women: Esther and Ruth. I love Esther because she was adopted by her uncle. Her misfortune of losing her parents put her in the position to save her people. I know God did not want her to experience this loss, but he took her loss and brought great good from it. She was a woman of courage, faith and great beauty. I love how God used her outward appearance to change the world.
Next is Ruth. I love Ruth because she was loyal and kept a promise. When she made her vow to her husband, she kept it by following her mother in law despite being given permission to leave. That loyalty and integrity led her to the father of her child. With Boaz, she gave birth to a son which would later be the grandfather of David. Imagine that? A woman that followed her word was given the opportunity to be the great grandmother of David! At the time, she had no idea what she was doing when she vowed to stay with Naomi. She was just being obedient and keeping her promise. Later, looking back, she would see how all those seemingly small decisions would lead her to be an ancestor of one of the greatest men in the Bible; a man after God’s own heart.
Which leads me to my “aha”. I relate to Ruth because in the moment I was just living my life. Like her, I had some heartbreak. Days I thought “Why me?” and “Where are you God?” A few days, I just unleashed it all and cried out, “Do you care? Can you hear me?” These moments were raw and real and all just confirmed that He was sovereign and Lord of my life even if I could not understand Him. But then, I got to this place of adoption and had the luxury to look back. Isn’t that amazing to be able to look back? To see all the little decisions (both hurtful and joyful) that led you to the place where you are now. The key to both of these great women of the Bible is they were willing to do what God asked of them. Both had no idea the magnitude of their decisions, but they followed where He led anyway.
I pray to be like these women. Brave, obedient, committed, faithful and eager to serve.
The good news is: Blogging has allowed me to look back on my life and to read the thoughts and ideas of many other women experiencing similar situations to mine. I am reading so many infertility blogs that I confuse which woman has the surrogate or which woman just went through IVF, but it is humbling to know I am not alone.