I went to an infertility specialist to get more tests done and I will squeeze a month’s worth of doctor’s appointment into a few sentences. Basically, what he found was that my estrogen levels were low, my FSH levels were high and that all this meant I was in the process of Premature Ovarian Failure aka POF. Another blow to the stomach. He boldly said that he would do a few more tests to see if IVF or IUI would be a possibility, but with these hormone levels it was not likely. Here is where an autoimmune disease gets crazy. My blood levels signal early menopause, but tests show that I have many eggs, continue to ovulate, and that those eggs are healthy. Lupus confused even the doctor. None of it makes sense and we went back and forth on what to do next since some things were very positive and others were very negative.
Talk about roller coaster! One moment I am mourning the loss of my fertility and the next I have hope that a treatment might work. I would grieve to get a call offering a light of hope only to go back to grieving. The doctor did not suggest IUI or IVF since it was not likely to work, but he said great things about donor eggs carried by me to conceive a baby. In my heart, I knew this was not for me. Nathan’s sperm with another woman’s egg in my body was too much for me. I am still seeing him to do tests of various things, but I closed the door on having a child of my own with those words. God has other plans for us and they do not include me carrying a baby.
Some may question about using a surrogate or some other form of method to conceive. For us, it would be risky. My body cannot handle a pregnancy safely and we could spend all that money to try and it still would not work. Another woman’s body could handle it better, but my egg may not work. This process to try is expensive and not worth the “what if” risk since so much is stacked against it. I mean, we have money saved up, but we are not rich by any means. We could do one big go at something big, but then we would have to quit to save some more money. For many women the odds are better and we know a few that have tried it all…some successful and some not. For us, we learned very early on that those things were not worth trying because the odds were not in our favor. Plus, we didn’t have a leading from God to do it.
I was so devastated by this news that I finally took a day off from work. I needed a day to just grieve and be sad. Nathan and I took off together to be at home, watching movies and just taking it all in that we were at the end of our road of pregnancy. Sadly, the day I took off was the same day the tornadoes flew through Mesquite and a sub had to deal with that nonsense…oops!
The good news is: one day God will reveal that he saved me from multiple miscarriages, a baby with a defect or my own life in carrying a child that was hurting my body. It took me a long time to get to this place of acceptance. I had been trying to conceive for so long it was really hard to stop.