My husband has been so supportive and understanding in all this. It is easy to only think of myself and what I’m losing and how I’m feeling and what I’m suffering, but he is suffering all these things too. He has no control over my body, but his sperm and his hormones work just fine.
Off topic….It is crazy for me to even think about all the words I say so easily now or acronyms I know off infertility websites that I would have never known before. Talking about sperm and periods and ovulation is so easy because it has been my world for so long. Seeing acronyms like DH (designated husband) or BFP (big fat positive) is normal. Many people conceive and many people try to conceive and they are two different ball games. There is a whole world of both and it is amazing how God chooses to populate and grow this world we live in.
I digress…my point is that Nathan was there for every step. He talked about topics many men would squirm at discussing. He endured me during the hormones, during the negative tests, during the baby showers for our friends and the countless tears from not being pregnant month after month after month. We have had to have some adult conversations and sit through harsh doctor visits and yet he has never complained…at all. God knew the kind of man I would need and he prepared Nathan every step of the way.
There were times I wished I could just let him be with another woman (women in the Bible did this, too–I see why!). Times I wish he had married someone else and could start a family with them. Times I feel sorry that he does not have a choice in all this because he is not the broken one. He is not the cause of us not having kids. But then I think, what if he was and I could not have kids because of him and I realize it is easier to accept that it is me. I am thankful that he accepts this reality as well. I can’t tell you much from his perspective because I have no idea what is in his head, but I can say he has never once made me feel bad or guilty. He has only been a source of strength and positivity. He has been my rock and we have relied on prayer and God’s word to see us through.
I say all this because we are going to need strength from each other as we get ready to adopt. Our journey is leading us to adoption…we are no longer praying to get pregnant, but we are praying for someone else that is pregnant and cannot provide the needs for her child to choose us to raise the baby. Adoption is a whole other journey, but we are about to take it.
So, why did I name this “intunewithmyautoimmune”? That answer is simple because even though the blog will focus on a little of everything-Lupus led us here. The reason I am infertile and adopting is because of the disease. I got my diagnosis at the time of trying to start a family. I can’t cure it, but I can manage it. Some ask “how do you know if you will be healthy enough to raise a child?” or “how do you know that you won’t get sick down the road?” I answer, “How do you know that you won’t?” We could all die tomorrow…who knows? I know what I have, I take medication, I see doctors and take care of myself; that is all I can do. I am not being selfish by pursuing a child despite this obstacle. Sure it will be hard, but God is keeping me from enduring a harsh pregnancy that tears up my body and then asking me to care for a child. The route we are going is much safer.
The good news is: there are so many ways to create a family and God knew this when He created us. It’s easy to think of infertility as a punishment or consequence of sin, but God does not think this way. Sure, many people in the Bible were punished in this way and He clearly speaks of the blessing of kids, but Mary was rewarded with raising a child not biologically hers and so was the girl that found Moses. Esther was adopted by her uncle and we are all adopted by God. Thank you God for creating families in many unique ways.