Never thought I would be that girl…the infertile one. In this process I have learned so much about women of the Bible that were also infertile and felt what I am feeling right now. Many of those women eventually went on to have children and praise God that He works in His timing because those babies did great things. They did not have children yet because it was not time. For the past two years, I have been wrestling with patience in God’s timing. Months of checking a calendar to have sex more than anyone should be allowed to have sex. Nathan is a lucky man to have got to “try to conceive” for so long. Eventually sex became a job and my thermometer became my enemy, but knowing it all had to stop was strangely sad.
I lost the vision of hopefully being able to tell my husband that we were having a baby. Announcing boy or girl, buying maternity clothes, posting it on Facebook, feeling pregnant and getting ready for delivery was all fading away. The things you see on TV and in movies and hear countless women talking about would not be for me. It was heartbreaking to lose this vision of hope, but liberating as well. I now had answers that many women never receive. We avoided the devastation of IVF or other treatments that we think will work only to be disappointed. I still trust in God’s plan and know that things could still change once the disease is under control and my body adjusts, but I am not holding my breath about it. What happens when God simply says “no”? So many people say just relax and let it go and then you will get pregnant…but, what if that is not the case? What if you are still told “no”? My vision of seeing a positive on a test and surprising our family with the good news after keeping it a secret were over. Sure, I could always drink liquor, take hot baths, exercise and play soccer like crazy…but those are all sacrifices you make for your baby and they are temporary. Forty weeks.
The hardest part is accepting there is no “US”. No Nathan’s eyes and my nose. No my hips and his feet. No intelligence from me and stubborness from him. No “that is exactly what you looked like as a baby”. No “you made that face when you were little…she is just like you”. No legacy of “US”. You don’t realize how much you want that until you can’t have it. We all base ourselves off our parents and that journey for us had to stop. We had to accept that was not in our future and coming from a large family that has kids easily…it was hard. It feels unnatural. These are the issues that an infertile woman must accept. I am still not good at it because my stubborn nature says “maybe just maybe I will get pregnant this month on some miracle from God”. True it could happen…God does work miracles, but it goes back to what if he says “no”. What if His plans are better than your plans and this is for your good?
The good news is: I am not alone. Many women deal with the same struggle that I am dealing with. In the process of infertility, the clinic is full of women that cannot conceive for whatever reason. Many women conceived one child, but then could not conceive another. I am learning that my situation is not unique and that we can lean on each other during this rough time.